Random Insanity
by Lolly Phoenix
Summary: A LOTRxPOTCxHP crossover. Title says it all. Will eventually be a roundrobin. Be warned: light hearted looniness ahead. Includes mild slash malemale relationship, mild language and other randomness
1. By Shadow Feonex

Jack Sparrow sat in his cabin aboard the Black Pearl humming to himself about really bad eggs. It had been a long time since he had had any adventure of any sort and his crew were all bored about it.

Suddenly the door burst open and Will Turner appeared breathing heavily and wide eyed,

"Elizabeth's gone!" He heaved.

"Long time, no see Will." Replied Jack as if he hadn't heard Will.

"Someone has taken her!" Will continued as he strode up to Jack

"Wouldn't we all like to?" Jack murmured, "So what would you like me to do about it, Will my lad?"

"You got to help me save her!"

"Again?" Jack shook his head sadly, "You need to put a leash or something on her,"

"This is no laughing matter Jack! I don't want anything to happen to her! I love her." Will reached inside his pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment. He handed it to Jack, who read it with a puzzled look on his face,

"Dear Will, I have kidnapped your wife, Elizabeth Turner (formerly known as Elizabeth Swan), in order for the return of the Ring, the One Ring to rule them all. You must return it to me by the second sundown of the fourth month of summer (they don't do things in halves do they?) signed Voldemort , kiss kiss." Will ripped the letter from Jack's hand,

"What am I going to do? I don't know who this Voldemort person is."

"Neither do I mate." Jack replied. He stood up and stretched, "Listen Will. You're a pal, so I'll help you. Are you still willing to go to the ends of the earth for this girl - she seems a lot of hassle if you ask me."

"I'll do anything for her."

"I wouldn't say that." Jack said as he put his arm around will and walked him towards the door, "Don't say that in front of her. You never know what she might have in her mind, the next thing you'll know is you'll have little Will's and Elizabeth's running around –savvy?"

"Yeah, well. She's only asked for a cat,"

"It's already started, be a slow death from now one Will." Said Jack shaking his head. They were on the main deck now and the crew were sitting quietly playing 'spit'. "Host the sails and raise the anchor! We have a quest to fulfil!"

The elven boat had sailed for days, and still they hadn't reached land. Frodo lay on the deck looking up at the billowing white sails and pale blue sky. His Uncle Bilbo was below deck with Gandalf and the rest of the elves. Frodo wanted to be alone; he missed the shire and wondered if boarding the boat had been such a good idea.

He couldn't have stayed though, all those memories of what he had to go through to get rid of that blasted ring. However, he did miss the ring; pure gold and perfect in every way. He sighed now as he thought of the good times.

"Are you having second thoughts?" said a familiar voice. Frodo turned around to see Gandalf smiling fondly at him.

"I don't know Gandalf. It just seems, like everything was for nothing."

"It wasn't for nothing Frodo; you know that, even if you do not believe it now." Gandalf sat down beside him and pulled out a long pipe from under his cloak. He lit it and he began to happily puff away,

"Those things can kill you." Frodo commented. Gandalf slowly took the pipe out of his mouth and replied,

"I've climbed mountains, ridden horse, duelled with a powerful wizard, fell of a bridge, killed a demon with just a sword and pure strength and I fought in the biggest battle in middle earth. Now, do you really think I'm going to worry what my pipe is going to do to me?" Frodo grinned.

"The wind is blowing in the wrong direction Captain Sparrow. I can't control her she's going where she wants." Shouted Gibbs from the wheel of the Pearl

"That's my girl." Murmured Jack as he shut his broken compass and looked out onto the horizon,

"You still carry that compass?" asked Will who was standing beside him,

"Reminds me of the old days." Jack said with a smile.

"Ship Ahoy!" Yelled the lookout from above them,

"Eh?" Jack said with a quizzical look,

"I thought that you said we won't see anyone for days out here." Will looked at Jack, "Are you sure we're going in the right direction?"

"Of course we are!" Jack said quickly as he walked up towards the wheel, "and if we're not, the holiday will do us all good."

"The ship's there capt'n," murmured Gibbs to Jack as soon as he was close enough to hear. Jack stared out onto the left side of the boat,

"It's tiny Gibbs; hardly any threat to us."

"Aye sir, but look at it. It's all in white and looks beautiful sir."

"Now, now Gibbs. Don't get all sentimental on me now." Jack replied, "Get ready to board!"

"Do you really think that's wise sir?" Gibbs asked him quietly,

"You never think anything is a good idea, Gibbs." Jack pointed out before walking off back to Will.

"Gandalf what's that?" Frodo asked. Gandalf looked out onto the horizon to see a huge black ship with billowing sail coming quickly towards them.

"I can honestly say I don't know." Replied Gandalf, "Get below Frodo, I will deal with this." From his cloak Gandalf produced his white staff, (it amazed Frodo how much Gandalf could fit in that cloak of his)

As the black ship drew up on the left side of the little boat Gandalf looked up at amazement at the sheer size of it.

It was twice as big as the one he stood on, and on the decks stood men with long beards and dirty looking clothing growling angrily at him. The ship came to a halt and a man with a black ragged beard and hat stood looking over him,

"Well, well." The man said with a smile on his face, "What do we have here?"

"What do you want?" Gandalf cried back holding his staff high ready to fight.

"We merely come to ask you what are you doing sailing in these seas." The man replied, "And in such a….small boat."

"We mean no harm. We come from Middle Earth." The man looked puzzled. Then said quietly,

"Where?"

"You've never heard of Middle Earth?" It was Gandalf's turn to look puzzled,

"Well…no."

"Where do you come from then?"

"From far and wide," cried the man happily, "I'm a pirate –savvy?"

"Savvy?" Gandalf repeated, "Is that some evil word?"

"It can be anything you want it to be mate," the man said.

"Stay away from this boat." Gandalf growled. He banged his staff on the deck of the deck and what looked like a white firework shot out of the top and flew into the main mast of the black ship.

There was a cry from the crew as the moved out of the way of the falling mast which landed inches away from the black bearded man.

"Hmmm…" The man said after a slight silence, "That's not so good."

"What's going on?" another young man with brown hair and dressed in cleaner clothing suddenly came into view, standing beside Jack

"Legolas? Is that you?" Gandalf suddenly called out. The young man turned and looked,

"Who?" he asked.

"You…you bear a remarkable resemblance to one of my friends. If it wasn't for the hair and the ears, you two could be twins!"

"Gandalf what's going on?" Frodo's voice was to be heard as he came on deck with Bilbo, Galadriel and other elves following him.

"Hmmm…." The black bearded man said again, "Can I come down- I mean no harm – promise. I'll leave all my effects here if you'll be happier? Savvy?"

Gandalf soon learned that the black bearded man was called Captain Jack Sparrow, and the younger man was called Will Turner. The ship, which was named the Black Pearl, was Jack's ship.

"So it has nothing to do with evil then?" Gandalf as a gangplank joined both boats together and Jack began to make his way down it,

"No, just like the colour myself." Replied Jack as he set foot aboard the white boat. Suddenly from no where Galadriel stepped forward and slapped Jack hard on the face.

"I'm sorry." She uttered quickly, "I don't know what came over me."

"The same thing that comes over most women when they see me, apparently." Jack murmured as he rubbed his cheek slowly.

"We're looking for the One Ring; the One Ring to rule them all." Will said as everyone sat on the little white boat. Suddenly Frodo winced and grasped his left shoulder,

"Frodo!" Gandalf cried out and knelt down beside him,

"Cramp? Heartburn?" Jack suggested unhelpfully as everyone gathered around in concern.

"No." Frodo managed to say, "An old injury from years ago."

"Oh aye," replied Jack. "I get that sometimes- you see my right eye? It goes all blurry from time to time."

"I think that's the drink, Jack." Will whispered.

"No." Frodo said, "I was stabbed by a Black Rider four years ago. The wound has never really healed."

"The Ring you mention." Gandalf said, "Is the Ring Frodo had to destroy."

"You didn't, did you?" Jack asked.

"I had to." Frodo replied,

"Oh well that's it. Come on Will. Elizabeth will be fine - just leave her with her new lover." Jack began to make his way off the boat.

"Jack I'm not giving up that easily!" Will cried out, "I love Elizabeth. I'd risk everything for her!"

"Mmm." Jack said with the roll of his eyes.

Harry Potter was back in Hogwarts for his last year. As the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station he saw the giant figure of Hagrid standing waiting for the new first years.

"That seems like years ago, doesn't it?" Harry murmured as he watching the first years cluster around Hagrid.

"Mmhm." Hermione murmured as she grabbed her cloak and put it on. She hadn't said very much over the whole train journey- maybe she was worrying about this being her last year to excel in her studies. As Harry got off the train he pulled his best friend Ron aside,

"What's up with Hermione?" Harry whispered. Ron, who was eating at the time swallowed loudly before answering,

"No idea. Just hope she's still not in this mood later on."

The new first years had finally being sorted into the four main houses – Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin and Harry's own house, Gryffindor. Now Harry was just tucking into his piece of pumpkin cake when a note was handed to him. Harry looked around him; everyone else was too busy enjoying themselves to notice him.

He slowly opened the note:

"Go to your room immediately."

Harry frowned. He looked up again and saw Hermione glancing quickly away from him. He folded up the letter and placed it in his robe.

"I'll...I'll be back soon guys." He murmured as he got up from the table and made his way out of the Great hall. He new Hermione would be watching him suspiciously as he walked out.

He reached the entrance to the Gryffindor rooms and found the fat lady with two other friends from the other pictures.

"Why! Mr Harry Potter!" The fat lady exclaimed grinning widely, "I thought you would be downstairs enjoying yourself – I certainly am!" She held up a glass full of red wine.

"I just needed to get a way for a bit, that's all." Harry replied.

"Ah oh well dear. Password please, my love." Harry told her the password (Sugar lumps) and the portrait swung away to reveal the opening.

Inside the common room the fire was already roaring and glowing brightly. Harry walked passed it and walked up the stairs to his room.

Suddenly he heard something move. Harry paused and looked up; silence. He slowly pulled his wand out and began again to walk up the stairs.

His bedroom door was shut. He leant against it and then began to open it. The sight that greeted him was intense.

The room was lit with candles, giving it a soft glow. His bed was covered in red rose petals and on it lay,

"Draco?"

Draco grinned, or rather, he tried to grin around the rose in his mouth,

"What are you doing here? How did you get in here?" Harry asked him. Draco took the rose from between his teeth and sighed heavily,

"Potter you're never satisfied. I try my best and you always seem to knock it."

"I'm sorry Draco." Harry shut the door before walking towards the bed, "I'm just amazed that's all. Isn't it slightly risky for you to be here?"

"Isn't slightly risky for you?" Draco sat up, "I know how your friends worry about you. They're like little dogs waiting for their master to command."

"And what about Crabbe and Goyle?" Harry asked,

"Fell asleep after their ten piece of pumpkin cake. No need for them to worry. Now…" Draco moved closer to him, Harry could feel his breath on his skin, "Don't we have something to do?"

Harry smiled,

"Just keep it as quiet as you can." He whispered.

"We can be as loud as we want Harry." Draco whispered, his hand brushed Harry's brown hair away from his forehead to reveal his scar, "I put a Lordus spell on the room, no one will be able to hear us or walk in on us." Draco was now staring into Harry's eyes, "You don't know how much I have been waiting for summer to end till I saw you."

Draco moved forward and Harry felt his lips on his. They began to kiss, slowly at first, then getting quicker and more desperate.

They fell back on the bed,

"Oww." From underneath him Draco pulled out a squashed rose and threw it on the floor as Harry proceeded to kiss him again.

Harry pulled off his cloak and tie before Draco began to quickly unbutton his shirt. Draco sighed with happiness as he revealed Harry's perfect body.

Harry pulled Draco's shirt off and began to kiss down his body. Draco closed his eyes and sighed loudly.

Harry could feel himself go hard and he wanted to feel Draco inside him right now. Draco had already taken down his trousers and boxers and was ready.

Harry undid his belt and pulled his trousers and his boxers down. Draco smiled slyly,

"I always dreamed of this moment Harry." He said softly. Harry smiled back.

"HARRY!" Came the muffled voice of Hermione along with a fist knock.

"Shit!"

"Ignore her." Draco said stroking his arm, "She'll go away soon."

"HARRY EITHER YOU OPEN THIS DOOR OR I WILL!"

"Why now? Why me?" Harry cried softly.

"HARRY I'LL GIVE YOU TO THREE…"

"Just leave it Harry." Draco hissed.

"ONE…."

"Shit, shit, shit! Fuck you can't be here." Harry flung himself towards his trunk.

"She can't open the door!"

"This is Hermione we're on about!" Harry gasped as he opened it up and pulled out his invisibility cloak.

"TWO…"

"Fair point you know sometimes Potter…"

"Draco I don't have time for this!"

"THREE!" Harry threw the invisibility cloak over Draco as the door burst off its hinges. Harry turned to see a wide mouthed and eyed Hermione standing at the doorway.

"I…I….when the fat lady said you wanted to be alone, I…" Hermione stammered. Harry then realised he was completely naked. Then Ron appeared at the door.

"Bloody hell!" Was all Ron could utter.

Jack sat on board the Black Pearl with his head in his hands. He couldn't believe that Will was _still_ after this Elizabeth Swan. To him, it all seemed rather pointless; the girl could no doubt look after herself, after all, she did burn all the rum on that godforsaken island to attract attention,

"Ah, the rum…" Jack smiled happily at the thought. Suddenly the door burst open and Gandalf and Will appeared at the door.

"Jack we must set sail at once, to Middle Earth." Jack raised an eyebrow,

"And how, dear William, do you suppose I do that?" Jack stood up and walked towards them, "I don't know my way there."

"Gandalf will show us the way." Will replied, almost jumping up and down in excitement.

"And what, do you suppose, are we going to do when we get there?" There was a slight pause from Will and Gandalf,

"We'll see when we get there." Gandalf replied slowly, "But if we don't then we can't see because we'll never get there." Jack was silent for a moment. Then he slowly walked up to Gandalf and whispered,

"That made no sense whatsoever, but to hell with it! Hoist sail! We're going to Middle earth!"

Harry felt absolutely miserable. His little 'walk in' accident had spread around the whole of Gryffindor and he now felt like an outsider. Draco was also making fun of him from the Slytherin side, it felt as if he had no one in the world.

He decided that he would go and visit Fluffy –the three headed dog on the third floor. Hagrid had bought him to guard the Philosopher's stone, but now since that was destroyed Fluffy was more a secret pet.

Harry opened the door and the three big dog heads looked up at him and its huge big tale began to hit off the walls.

"Hello Fluffy." Harry murmured as the middle head bent down and gave him a huge lick with its pink tongue. It seemed to smile cheekily at Harry who was now soaked from head to toe,

"Thanks." Fluffy placed his head on the floor and Harry climbed on top of it. Then it slowly rose up as Fluffy curled up and went to sleep.

Meanwhile Hermione had noticed that Harry had gone. She went into the common room and pulled Ron aside from his chess match.

"Hey!" He cried out but Hermione soon silenced him,

"Harry's gone." She hissed at him.

"Where?"

"That's the whole point!" Hermione hissed again in frustration, "We need to find him. He'll probably be upset about you know what."

"….What?" Ron asked slightly confused.

"You know…"

"…..No."

"Ron! Do I have to spell it out?" Ron thought for a moment. Then his eyes lit up,

"Oh!" He cried out loudly, "You mean when you walked in on him…"

"Shut up!" Hermione threw her hand onto his mouth. "Now we've got to find him. Come on!"

Draco sat in the Slytherin common room totally oblivious to what Crabbe and Goyle were laughing about. He was thinking about Harry, poor Harry. He had had to play along with the teasing and tormenting just to make sure their secret would be kept. Now he hated himself for it. He hated seeing Harry looking so miserable and he just wanted to hug him and kiss him - make everything go away.

"What you think Draco?" Asked Crabbe as Draco shook himself out of his thoughts.

"What?"

"About Potter and, well, you know." Crabbe and Goyle began to snort loudly with laughter.

"Shut up." Draco snarled. He took a deep breath. Snapping at his two 'henchmen' wasn't going to do him any good whatsoever."

"What's up Draco?" Goyle asked.

"Nothing okay! Nothing!" Draco stood up quickly, "I need to be alone!" With that he stormed out of the common room and into the corridors of the school.

He needed to find Harry, he needed to talk to him; tell him everything was okay, that he still loved him as much as ever.

As he turned the corner he saw Granger and Weasley heading towards him. He tried to hide but it was too late, they had seen him.

"Granger, Weasley." Draco greeted them quietly, "What are you doing here?"

"We could ask you the same thing." Replied Hermione breathing deeply.

"Aren't I allowed to go for a walk every now and then?" Draco snapped out in reply. Why wasn't Harry with them?

"Where's that friend of yours then?" Draco asked, "In his room keeping busy?" he let a sly smile creep over his face,

"We don't know where he is." Hermione suddenly blurted out, "Probably decided to run away from this place, away from everyone!" With that she pushed past him and carried on down the corridor, Weasley in quick pursuit.

Draco stared at them for a minute. They didn't know where Harry was? They would be the _only_ people who would know where Harry was.

"Come on, Potter," Draco thought to himself as he quickly ran down the corridor, "Where are you hiding?"

After the small confusing of trying to hoist a sail when the mast was broken, the Black Pearl had once again set off and was now only about two miles away from Middle Earth.

Jack hummed to himself as he stood at the wheel; that song about bad eggs was really catchy. On the deck he could see Gandalf teaching his crew how to make pictures with smoke with funny side effects,

"No! Don't inhale!" Was all Jack could hear from Gandalf with a sputter of coughing coming from Mr Gibbs.

"Blast! I don't get this!" Gibbs cried out. Jack chuckled.

"It's a lovely ship Mr Sparrow." Came a small voice from behind him. Jack turned around and saw Frodo standing quietly looking in awe at the great black sails.

"Yes, yes! She's a beauty." Jack replied quickly. "Say, we're your parents really small or something?"

"I'm a hobbit." Frodo replied with a smile on his face,

"A hobbit eh?" Jack felt confused, "Is that some sort of…animal?"

"No, we're like humans, only smaller."

"Dwarf?"

"No, smaller that a dwarf."

"You sure you're not just making this up?" asked Jack not being able to believe this.

"No, we all live in Hobbiton."

"There's more of you?" Jack gasped.

"Yes. My best friend Sam and my cousins Merry and Pippin will be meeting us when we dock at the harbour."

" Right…" Jack didn't know why he was telling him this, nor did he know why he was listening.

"Do you drink, Mr Baggins?"

"Brandy ale, yes." Frodo replied. He seemed so very innocent.

"You ever tried rum?"

Frodo swallowed down the last sip of rum in his fourth bottle and gurgled with delight. Jack smiled gleefully,

"This stuff…is…great!" Frodo slurred, holding the empty bottle above his head and a huge grin on his face.

"I thought you'd…like it!" Jack drunkenly replied.

"Is there any more?"

"I think…you…drank…the last one…savvy."

"Savvy!" Frodo burst out laughing. Jack was glad that they were in his private cabin. He was sure that Will or Frodo's companion Gandalf would dislike this idea.

"What you want to do now then…Mr Jack?" Frodo gurgled as he propped himself up against a crate, "I want to be…satisfied!"

"Oh…really…" Jack said, stumbling over to him and collapsing next to him, "And..hu…ow…do you suppose we do…that?"

"I don't know…" Frodo replied.

"You're not a eunuch...are you?" Jack slurred, Frodo patted himself on the chest,

"Don't think so…" He laughed again.

"Are you…single?" Jack asked

"Most…most certainly." Frodo replied trying to be serious,

"Are you…looking?"

"I don't know…are you asking?"

Harry blinked open his eyes, it took him a while to realise that he was lying on a giant three headed dog. As he pushed his glasses up his nose he heard muffled voices from the other side of the door. Fluffy lifted his middle head up and pricked back all of his three pairs of ears.

"I don't think he'll be in there Hermione." came Ron's muffled voice from behind the door.

"Well we've looked everywhere else and he's not there." Hermione replied. On hearing familiar voices Fluffy began to wag his tail furiously, the walls barely taking the bashing.

"Why would he go and hide with one big three headed dog?" Ron asked.

"Because ever since Harry decided to take Fluffy for a walk, Fluffy has been a slave for Harry."

"But he doesn't bring him the newspaper." Replied Ron rather confused.

"Shut up Ron." Hermione snapped. Suddenly Fluffy howled loudly. Harry clasped his hands over his ears and screwed up his eyes. The sound was ear piercing and certainly loud enough for the whole school to hear.

"Fluffy shhhh!" Harry hissed.

"Harry?" Hermione's voice could be heard, "Harry are you in there?" Harry knew that he couldn't hide any longer. "Harry, we only want to talk, that's all."

"I mean, masturbating ain't such a bad thing." Ron cried out loudly. It was followed by the sound of Hermione's hand whacking him hard around the back of the head and Ron's angry protests.

"Harry, come on. You can't stay in there forever."

"Who says I can't?" Harry cried out angrily, "What have I to come out for? Nothing! I'm the laughing stock of the whole school."

"Someone has to be." Ron replied again, followed with Hermione hitting him again, "Would you stop doing that!"

"Harry, who cares about what other people think?" Hermione spoke again,

"You do."

"No we don't Harry."

"Yes you do! Why would you desert me?" Harry cried out. Hermione didn't answer; obviously trying to find a good line to come back with.

"Harry?" It was a voice now that wasn't either Ron's or Hermione's.

"Draco?" Harry asked out.

"You come to gawp have you?" Ron said angrily, "Wanted to have a laugh, did you?"

"No I didn't I…"

"Ho! That's a first! Why don't we believe you?" Hermione smirked.

"Because I'm not, I care about how Harry feels more than any other person."

"Oh do you really think so? So what the past six years then? Why did you torment him?" Hermione's voice was going higher and higher,

"Because I didn't know him well enough, I didn't know how lovely he was; his personality, his looks, his level headedness that I long to desire."

"Ah…" Ron said quietly, "What a load of - "

"Why should we believe you?" Harry felt it was time to tell his two best friends the truth. He jumped off Fluffy and ran to the door. As he unlocked it the other three fell silent as he opened it.

Draco's eyes were red, he looked as if he had been crying, whilst Ron's face was nearly purple with rage and Hermione's sick with worry,

"Harry." Hermione said softly, "I…"

"Guys I have something to tell you." Harry began. Ron and Hermione looked at him, there eyes wide staring at him, "I….I….Draco and me, well….we're together." Draco looked up and looked relieved,

"Huh?" Ron blurted out, "But that would…it would…but I….."

"That's great Harry," Hermione cut in and she pulled him towards her to hug him.

"Great. Great!" Ron spluttered, "Harry, you're going out with Draco. You know, guy that has been annoying you since you started Hogwarts?"

"I know, I know Ron." Harry said softly, "But you know, me and Draco have gotten to know each other. He understands me, and I understand him." Ron fell silent,

"Draco was in your room wasn't he, when I walked in on you?" Hermione said suddenly. There was a small groan from Ron,

"Yes, yes I was." Draco said quietly. "I thought Harry and I would be safe, that everyone would stay downstairs for a lot longer than I had anticipated. It's because of me that Harry was humiliated, and I feel so guilty."

"Draco don't…" Harry began,

"No it's true. I'm sorry Harry." Suddenly Harry turned towards Draco and placed a finger on his lips to quiet him.

"I forgive you. You should have known I would." Harry then lent forward and kissed Draco gently.

"Bloody hell…" Ron mumbled.

The daylight woke Jack up and as he blinked opened his eyes his head began to thump. He groaned; what had happened last night? He decided to turn over and go back to sleep, maybe his headache would go. He turned over. Suddenly he opened his eyes wide again. There lying next to him was Frodo. Frodo's eyes suddenly blinked open and horror struck them both.

"Arrgh!" They both cried together sitting upright then groaning as both their heads began to thump again. Then they realised they were naked.

"Arrgh!"

"Arrgh!" Jack pulled at the covers to try and cover himself up whilst Frodo pulled back,

"We didn't, did we?" Jack asked, trying desperately to remember what had happened last night.

"I...I can't remember!" Frodo replied, "Where are my clothes!" Jack chucked some clothing over to Frodo, who grasped them quickly,

"Wait! How'd you know they're mine?"

"Do I look like I fit into those?" Jack pointed out as Frodo held up what would be for Jack a pair of shorts.

"There was a lot of laughing in your cabin last night, Jack." Will said as Jack came up onto the deck. Jack was ready for the questions, his head thumped and he was still trying figure out what had happened in his cabin.

"Nothing happened." Jack snapped back quickly before hurrying off, leaving Will looking puzzled.

Meanwhile Gandalf was talking quietly to Frodo in the cabin,

"I don't trust this Jack, not yet." Gandalf whispered, "Why would he be looking for the Ring?"

"I don't know." Frodo said not really paying attention.

"Frodo, is everything alright? I mean I didn't see you all last night."

"I'm fine Gandalf." Frodo firmly stated.

"Okay as long as you're sure."

"Yes, I'm sure." Frodo snapped.

"There's no need to be like that Frodo."

"Oh just get out of my way!" Frodo stood up and stormed out of the cabin.

"Frodo…" Gandalf watched his little friend walked down to the other end of the ship. Something was bothering him and he didn't want to tell Gandalf.

"Hormones." Jack whispered in his ear.

"What?" Gandalf whirled around,

"You see when they get to around thirteen or what ever; they start getting all grouchy and not wanting to speak to anyone. Hormones I'm telling you, lasts till they're about seventeen, eighteen."

"Frodo's fifty-four!" Gandalf exclaimed. Jack raised his eyebrows,

"Must be in his second child hood then." He said quickly before hurrying away.


	2. Chapter 2 Also by Shadow Feonex

By Shadow Feonex (again).

Draco's and Harry's relationship spread like wildfire around the school. It was at first rumour; people whispering to one another that they had seen it all happen, the 'kiss' that sealed everything. That Potter had got on one knee and proposed his undying love to Draco who accepted out of pity (The Slytherin version). That in actual fact, Harry had wanted to say all this to Ron but Draco had overheard him and thought it was to him (The Gryffindor version – to which Ron had quickly protested).

Now Draco was in Harry's room, sitting quietly on the bed whilst Harry stared out his window, Harry knew that Draco wanted to say something but was finding it hard to find the right words.

"Harry…." Draco began looking up at his lover. Harry turned to him, "You know all these rumours that are flying around?"

"Yes…" Harry said slowly. He wondered what Draco was leading up to,

"Well, does it make you, angry?"

"Why would it make me angry?"

"Well, some of the rumours seem hurtful, on your behalf. I mean in that last one, you decided to ask Ron to join in…"

"Draco I don't care about the rumours." Harry interrupted, "They are weak compared to the ones you've made up about me."

"Ah yes…" Draco said fondly remembering back to the past years, "They were pretty good weren't they?"

"Draco, all I care about is you. I don't care what anyone else thinks." Harry moved towards his lover and kissed him gently on the forehead, "Now. I feel that we should stop these rumours in their tracks."

"How are we going to do that? I don't know any spells that are strong enough to cast over the whole school."

"There is that little thing of actually making the rumours true you know." Harry said kissing Draco on the lips this time.

"Oooh. I like the sound of that Potter." Draco kissed him back gently. "Let's go!"

"Er, hang on!" Harry said pushing Draco backwards on to the bed, "I'm feeling horny- I need satisfying!"

Next door Ron shut his eyes at hearing the rhythmic thumping sound of Harry's bed. He was still rather confused about all of it, how could Harry be gay?

"At least they're quiet." Semus Finnigan said as his knight battered Ron's pawn to death. Ron glared at him,

"How can you call that thumping sound 'quiet'?"

"Well, they're not screaming or anything. You know like they do on movies…"

"Yes, thanks for that Semus." Ron muttered as he told his Queen to move in a check mate Semus.

"You're still not happy about it, are you?" Semus asked as he watching his King being pummelled to death by the Queen.

"Happy about what?"

"Happy about Harry and Draco." Ron paused for a moment,

"Is it that obvious?" He asked quietly.

"Yes, but no one really minds." Semus replied as he picked up the little pieces of his king and placed them in his palm,

"Huh?"

"Well, they all know that you and Harry are best friends. We all know it must be kind of tough on you."

"Mmmhm…" Ron replied, "It's his decision."

"Yeah I guess." The banging had stopped now and there was an eerie silence, "Another game?" Semus asked as he pulled out his wand and put his King back together.

As the Black Pearl pulled into the small little harbour Jack could see some very small figures standing there wide eyed.

"Wow…" Jack muttered to himself, "They're tiny."

"Sam!" Frodo was waving frantically overboard to one of them. One of the small figures waved back grinning broadly.

As everyone went ashore Frodo ran up to the three figures and hugged them happily. Then he turned to everyone else.

"Mr Frodo!" Sam cried out, "Why! It's Legolas! I didn't know he was on board too." Sam was pointing at Will. Will once again looked confused.

"No, no Sam!" Frodo said with a laugh, "This is Will. Someone has taken his wife. He needs the ring that we destroyed in mount doom."

"That's going to be a little tricky." Sam said biting his lip. Suddenly Jack appeared,

"And this is Captian Jack Sparrow." Frodo introduced to Sam. Suddenly Sam stepped forward and hit Jack in the balls. Jack winced in pain,

"What the hell did you do that for!" Jack cried out in a high pitched voice.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. I think I was actually aiming for your face." Sam stammered as he went slightly red.

Ron groaned loudly as he watched Harry and Draco go down the corridor together holding hands. Everyone was staring at them but neither of them seemed to care.

"Ron you're going to have to get used to it sometime." Hermione commented as the walked into the great hall for dinner, "I don't think they're going to break up any time soon."

"I know, I know." Ron muttered as they sat down at the Gryffindor table and began to help himself to the mashed potato and pork that was on offer. Harry came bounding over, grinning from ear to ear,

"Hi guys!" He said brightly as he sat down. Ron muttered 'hey' whilst Hermione went quiet.

"You guys okay?" Harry asked slowly with a puzzled look, "You both seem really quiet today."

"I'm fine." Ron replied without looking up. Harry knew that Ron wasn't telling him the truth but he let it go anyway.

Suddenly Hermione stood up and began to pick up her things,

"I've…I've got to go do something." She quickly explained before hurrying out of the hall. Ron and Harry looked at each other,

"She still hasn't snapped out of that mood she been in." Ron muttered as he ate some mashed potato, "She won't tell me what's wrong. It's all very strange to me."

"Yeah very." Harry replied.

Hermione had raced down to the library and found a quiet corner to sit in. She was shaking badly as she pulled out of her bag a copy of the Daily Prophet. She opened it up to the middle and there in a big picture was a young woman with pointed ears and holding the hands of a tall man. The caption read : _Second disappearance of famous women:_

_Today, from an unknown source it was revealed that Arwen, the elf from middle earth has been kidnapped. Her husband, Aragon the King of Gondor, is said to be distraught at this disappearance. This is the second disappearance that has happened in the last week. Elizabeth Turner, formally known as Elizabeth Swan, disappeared at the start of the week. It is the second time Mrs Turner has gone missing but since the disappearance of Arwen there are allegations that these disappearances are linked with our magical world._

_There is speculation that they could be linked to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (you know, writing his actual name would be so much easier – pity about cenship) but there is no firm evidence yet. Cornelius Fudge is making no comment at the moment but is believed to be giving a statement soon._

Hermione saw her tear fall on the page and melt into the words. She was still shaking and her mind was a whirl. Of course the disappearances were linked; they were famous women from well-known fantasy stories. Elizabeth, now Arwen. When would her time come?

" 'Mione?" Hermione turned around to see Harry and Ron standing over her full of concern.

"What's going on Hermione?" Ron asked quietly, his eyebrows furrowed, "You've been acting weird since you got back here." Hermione looked from one friend to another; she could feel the tears running down her cheeks.

"I'm next. He's coming to get me next." She whispered.

Jack didn't understand anything that was happening; if this was what sobriety felt like he'd rather be drunk. He was riding on a horse to a place called Gondor. The King, Aragon, was apparently expecting them. In front on smaller horses were the hobbits – Sam kept turning around to stare at him before whispering something to another hobbit who he thought was called Merry. He hadn't been paying attention when they were being introduced; he had been too preoccupied with the pain down in his trousers for him to care about their names.

"Ah, Gondor!" Gandalf suddenly cried out and pointed to the mountains. Carved in the side of the mountain was a pure white city. Jack slowed his horse and looked up at the amazing sight.

"Let me guess," he began with a slight chuckle, "We have to go to the top?"

"Ah!" Said Gandalf with a smile; slapping his back hard as he rode past him, "Have you been here before?" Jack gulped loudly – he'd never really liked heights.

They were a few yards from the gates to Gondor when the burst open and a man with long blonde hair and wearing green rode out to meet them.

"Gandalf!" He yelled as he rode towards them, "I'm so glad that you are back. There has been a terrible tragedy!"

"Tragedy?" Gandalf repeated raising an eyebrow, "Tell me what you speak of Legolas." Legolas slowed his horse down as he got closer to the party,

"Arwen has disappeared." Legolas stated. There were a few shocked murmurs from the party,

"Oh not another one." Jack mumbled under his breath. Legolas stared at him,

"What do you mean another one? And who are you anyway?"

"Jack Sparrow, Captain of the Black Pearl." Jack said bowing his head slightly, "I would come closer only I feel that I might get slapped." Legolas raised an eyebrow and shook his head.

"And I'm Will Turner." Will suddenly introduced himself. There was a stunned silence from both of them.

"Wow." Said Frodo as he looked from Will to Legolas, "You two look exactly the same."

"Yeah," Legolas said quietly , "Only I get paid more."

"Pardon?" Will enquired,

"Welcome to Middle Earth." Legolas said quickly. "Aragon is expecting you anyway, although he is of course in a state."

"Aren't we all?" Jack pondered as they set off again.

Elizabeth couldn't believe this. She only went out to get some shopping and she had gotten kidnapped- again. However, it wasn't pirates, and she also wasn't alone. Sitting in the cell with her was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. She had skin as white as snow and long brown hair. Her clothing seemed to be made out of the finest silk and velvet and she wore a small golden crown on her head. Her name was Arwen.

"I don't get it." Elizabeth said as she walked up to the solid wooden door and tugged at the iron handle, "What would he want with us?"

"I wouldn't know." Arwen said quietly, her voice sounding as if she was singing. Elizabeth growled angrily and kicked the door before sitting down next to Arwen.

"What use are we?" She muttered folding her arms.

"Wouldn't you like to know." A rasping voice said from the other side of the door. Arwen and Elizabeth clung onto each other, terrified. "Both of you have a purpose, and soon the last one will make my plan foolproof."

"Your plan? What plan?" Elizabeth cried out, fighting her fear.

"My plan that will make me ruler of everywhere! Middle earth, the magical world, the normal world will all come under my power with my new invention. The Voldermower!"

"The what?" Arwen asked,

"My Voldermower! The most evil cutting machine ever known! It can cut your grass in zero point three seconds to exactly three centimetres high! It is perfect!"

"But what do you need us for?"

"You, my dears, will market them. I have made a potion that will let me control you whilst you sell my machine."

"But what will you do with the money?"

"I'll become me again!" Rasped the voice, "You see I have no body because of some stupid wizarding boy and his mother's love. Once I have a face I can market my invention myself."

"And what about us?"

"I don't know. I can do whatever I please with you." The rasping suddenly turned into a sinister laughter.

"But why don't you seek revenge like anyone else?" Arwen said.

"Because I can't kill Harry." The rasp said,

"Can't get a decent nose either." Elizabeth whispered.

"I heard that!" The voice roared, "Make another joke like that and I'll kill you now."

Hermione sighed as she walked out of her class to find Harry, Ron and Draco standing there waiting for her,

"Guys, Voldemort isn't just going to run up and kidnap me." She said as they began to walk her down the corridor.

"You don't know that though, do you?" Ron said as he glanced around the corner, "He could be lurking around somewhere then – whoosh, gone."

"I hate to admit it but Ron's right." Draco said quietly, "Voldemort could be anywhere."

"Come on guys!" Hermione finally snapped. The boys turned to look at her, "Hogwarts is the safest place I could possibly be! I don't need an armed escort everywhere I…." She stopped and her face paled.

"Hermione?" Ron raised an eyebrow. Suddenly the floor which Hermione was standing on opened up. She screamed as she fell through and the ground emerged again.

"Nooo!" Ron screamed and he ran to the ground and began to pound it with his fist.

"Damn, didn't see that one coming." Draco whispered.

"What are we going to do? What are we going to do?" Ron cried angrily.

"We've got to find these other people." Harry said quickly, "You know, the ones related to Arwen and Elizabeth. Surely they will be searching for them too?"

As soon as Jack laid eyes on Aragon he knew the man was in pain. The white bandage wrapped around his head said it all. He looked up at the grown man crying his eyes out. Legolas went to him and picked up a box of men's tissues and held them up to him. Aragon delved his hand in and pulled out about five tissues and proceeded to use them all in wiping his eyes.

"He has been like this for five days solid," Gimli murmured shaking his head sadly, "He knocked himself out yesterday when he hit his head off of one of the marble columns."

"Aragon," Legolas said softly into the blubbering man's ear, "There are some people here to see you – they may know where Arwen is."

Suddenly Aragon stood up and pulled a long silver sword out of its holder. He glared at his visitors,

"What have you done with her? Where is Arwen? Where is she? Tell me now!"

Everyone stood in stunned silence - all except Jack, who was whistling rather loudly,

"You!" Aragon pointed his sword at Jack, "Tell me where she is." Jack blinked as he stared down the blade. Then a smile slowly crept onto his face,

"I believe an introduction is in order, my name is - ," Aragon jabbed the towards him, Jack quickly took a step back,

"I don't know what is worse," he murmured as the point became ever closer, "Being hit in the balls, or having a sword in my face." He moved his head slowly sideways and caught Will's eye, "A little bit of help would be most oppotune right about now."

"Aragon, Jack does not know where Arwen is." Gandalf quickly said moving towards Aragon. Aragon turned to Gandalf, in which gave Jack enough time to quickly move away and back near everyone else.

"Do they have any idea where she is?" Aragon asked quietly.

"No," Will said slowly, "But we think that the kidnapping of my wife and yours are linked."

"Oh?" Aragon raised an eyebrow.

"I think that the same person has kidnapped them." Will said, "All we need to do now is find out who it is and how to stop them."

"Congratulations, Mr Obvious," Jack murmured,

"Well do you have a better plan?" Will snapped turning to glare at Jack. Jack thought for a moment before taken a deep breath,

"Well, my plan would be to leave these women to their own devices. They have got into more serious bother from what I can gather from past experiences and a kidnapping would probably be a walk in the park. So, let us all go home and get on with our pretty little lives until they return. That way I will not have to worry about any part of my body being subjected to the feeling of pain. Besides, it's probably nothing – they probably got sidetracked when they were out shopping by a bag or a pair of shoes – or something sparkly. Women love sparkly things. And ships, of course. See? Nothing to worry about – now, where do you people keep the rum?"

"But I love her!" Aragon and Will cried out together.

"You know, it would be so much easier if you two were eunuchs." Jack sighed, knowing that it was going to be a long time before this ended.

* * *

Hey everyone, just a quick note to tell you all that no, I haven't dropped off the face of the planet. Sorry not to have updated in ages, but hopefully, I'll get a few things posted over the Christmas and New Year break from Uni. Until then, I hope you all enjoy Shadow's story.

Lolly

xxx


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